I totally freaked out today.

I totally freaked out today.

Tomorrow concludes the first week of my New Year. Here is what we have so far:

-              Traffic seems worse?

-              I’m unemployed, still …

-              School is a lot of reading and classes starting at 7:30pm are no no in the future

-              Thinking about all of those things happening again next week fills my body with so much anxiety!!!

Here are some good things so far:

-              Traffic is worse, but it’s worth it because showing up to dance matters so much to me.

-              I have a lot more confidence

-              I’m starting an online business that I am going to be so relentless about

-              I have new and better tools to manage anxiety

Overall, I believe I can do hard things, successfully.

The one thing I always tell myself is to keep showing up no matter what.

Back to the freak out: I totally had a meltdown in my car today because of the very things listed above. I was on my way to train, and it started at 6pm. I kid you not, I left my house at 4pm. The GPS, the entire time just kept adding time. I sat there and did all the things: screamed, hit my steering wheel, rapped whole songs, just sat in silence, and I still wasn’t there (old me would have vaped the pain away, but I quit that so here we are).

It was the icing on the cake for a very stressful week. I started questioning all of my life choices. I mean, it got really existential. Finally, I took some deep breaths and said:

“I will get there when I am supposed to get there”

Then I put my phone down and out of sight. The rest of the ride was silence (and maybe some tears of serious frustration because I could not control LA traffic). I didn’t even have an ETA anymore, I was just preparing for the awkward walk in of shame (because why you can’t make it to class on time!!).

When I finally arrived, some really magical things happened. I usually cannot find this building, but I found it on the first try (first win!). I slid into the parking lot expecting to have to find street parking, but there was a spot right by the front door (second win!). I walked in and they were only midway through stretching, so I didn’t miss any choreo (third win!). I don’t know, I was feeling pretty blessed and grateful and my nervous system fully rebooted. I was again fully in my body and ready to leave it all on the dance floor.

SO, I’m writing this for my nervous system to remember it’s really not ever that bad and maybe I just need a chill pill (or a Xanax, idk). I’m looking forward to next week, better organization, better departure and arrival times, and overall consistency.

Thanks for reading.