Embracing the Chaos: My Journey to Self-Discovery

Tomorrow concludes the first week of my New Year. Here’s what I’ve experienced so far:

The Struggles

• Traffic seems worse.

• I’m still unemployed.

• School involves a lot of reading, and classes starting at 7:30 PM? No, thank you.

• Just thinking about all these things happening again next week fills my body with anxiety!

  
  

But it’s not all bad. Here are some good things that have happened:

• Yes, traffic is worse, but it’s worth it because showing up to dance matters so much to me.

• I have a lot more confidence now.

• I’m starting an online business that I’m going to be relentless about.

• I’ve got new and better tools to manage my anxiety.

  
  

Overall, I believe I can do hard things successfully.

The one thing I always tell myself is to keep showing up no matter what.

The Meltdown

Back to the freak-out: I had a meltdown in my car today because of everything I just mentioned. I was on my way to train, which started at 6 PM. I kid you not, I left my house at 4 PM. The GPS kept adding time, and I sat there doing all the things: screaming, hitting my steering wheel, rapping entire songs, and just sitting in silence. I still wasn’t there. (Old me would have vaped the pain away, but I quit that, so here we are.)

It was the icing on the cake for a very stressful week. I started questioning all my life choices. I mean, it got really existential. Finally, I took some deep breaths and said:

“I will get there when I am supposed to get there.”

Then I put my phone down and out of sight. The rest of the ride was silence (and maybe some tears of serious frustration because I couldn’t control LA traffic). I didn’t even have an ETA anymore; I was just preparing for the awkward walk of shame because, well, why can’t I make it to class on time?

The Wins

When I finally arrived, some magical things happened. I usually can’t find this building, but I found it on the first try (first win!). I slid into the parking lot, expecting to have to find street parking, but there was a spot right by the front door (second win!). I walked in, and they were only midway through stretching, so I didn’t miss any choreography (third win!).

I don’t know; I was feeling pretty blessed and grateful. My nervous system fully rebooted. I was again fully in my body and ready to leave it all on the dance floor.

Looking Ahead

So, I’m writing this for my nervous system to remember it’s really not ever that bad. Maybe I just need a chill pill (or a Xanax, who knows?). I’m looking forward to next week, better organization, better departure and arrival times, and overall consistency.

I’m learning that life is a series of ups and downs. It’s about embracing the chaos and finding joy in the little victories. Each moment is a step toward self-discovery and personal growth.

Thanks for reading.