What Has Fear Already Taken From Me?

What a question. The biggest thing it has taken from me, as it has also taken this from most of us. Time.

I’ve lost so much time to fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of everyone hating me. Fear of failing. My biggest fear still is the fear of being mediocre.

I’m still trying to relive that core memory that made me think I needed to be great at everything to be seen or loved, but here we are. Time and meditation will eventually reveal the truth.

I’ve also lost relationships to fear. The fear that they would leave me always made me leave them first (I’m literally just getting over this one).

I believe my struggle with relationships is way stronger than my struggle with being mediocre. I used to never stay. If the relationship wasn’t happening the way I thought it should happen, then they didn’t really want me to be there. They were waiting for someone better to replace me, so in the meantime, I dismissed myself. 

My biggest realization was my trail of broken friendships (I’m comfortable expressing this now because I’ve healed lol).

Ugh, I hate arguments, but I used to be so agreeable to avoid them that I’d get so fed up, I’d explode. Like, if I tell you how I really feel, you won’t like me anymore, so let me just hold this in until I literally hate this relationship so much that I no longer want to fix it. Because why couldn’t you see me in pain? Why couldn’t you pay attention to me the way I paid attention to you?

Ah, don’t do this. So toxic.

Instead of losing relationships to fear, have the hard conversation. Do the work. Especially if you genuinely value the person. People are not replaceable, and you will never feel the same energy twice.

Don’t get me wrong, if space is needed, take that, but don’t burn it down. Not entirely, at least. Leaving a little room for growth in the relationship is ok too.